My apologies for having gone missing. It was just a matter of finding the Prudecutor too tedious to address. But today I thought of paying tribute to the recently deceased Dear Abby by providing three-word responses in the spirit of her famous reply to a San Francisco couple who didn't like the proto-LGBT goings-on around them and asked how they could improve the neighbourhood, "You could move."
LW4 broke into a cheating ex-girlfriend's house to retrieve an item belonging to her (well, LW4 never specifically presented as male, and it's more fun this way, especially given the date), stealing another item of value that turned out to belong to CX4's roommate. A follower of Dr Barreca, LW4 proudly spread the tale far and wide among her acquaintance as an example of successful revenge. But now she has reunited with CX4, the woman who drove her to alcoholism once already, and fears the story will reach XCX4's ears. She asks, "What should I do?"
Assume she suspected.
LW3 is in the health industry. His boyfriend has Unhealthy Habits - neglected teeth, sugar overconsumption, weight gain. LW3 claims that these things are very important to him, despite the fact that a time frame of at least a year has elapsed during which which LW4 apparently has declined to address the issue. He asks, "Is this worth ending a relationship over?"
Now you're asking?
LW2 has just one seemingly small problem. His otherwise amazing boyfriend, although providing LW2 with a sex life of sufficient variety and interest to render it unnecessary to consult Mr Savage, is unusually opposed to any sign of affection outside of the bedroom. This restricts LW2's desires for gestures that, to be fair and accurate, fall far short of the PDA level. He asks, "Am I insane for letting this bother me in an otherwise perfect relationship or does it signify a serious intimacy issue?"
It's just you.
LW1 has convinced me to break my rule for the day and gender her as female, as even the most gender-neutral bisexual person of my acquaintance would find BF1's conduct a bit of a stretch if the paramours involved were of differing genders. But, anyway. LW1 has excellent taste in authors, but has carried it a little too far. She has chosen for her model on how to conduct personal relationships that most dogged of investigators, She Who Must Be Obeyed. In a round of cross-examination that proves her qualified to practise at the Old Bailey, LW1 got BF1 to commit to a lie in his testimony only to uncover his perjury, thanks no doubt to the engagement of Ferdinand Isaac Gerald (or Ian Gilmour in later works) Newton, known as "Fig" in the trade, and flourish her proof of his perfidy in open Court. The prisoner at the Bar was sentenced to relinquish his social media passwords, and has lived under LW1's watchful eye ever since. After LW1, again taking She Who Must for her model, managed to convince BF1 that the two of them were somehow engaged (I only hope for his sake that LW1's father was at least the head of his Chambers and able to offer him accommodation), LW1 then deicded to look through F1's emails from before their meeting. (I could have warned her that this was about as wise as asking a client on trial for murder if s/he'd actually done the deed; an affirmative answer greatly restricts one's course of action in the case, as it is then imperative to plead guilty.) Her perusal of his old emails has landed her with the knowledge that F1 has not altered any of the loving terminology he used in a previous romance. LW1 now feels rather less special. She asks, "Am I just a replacement for an old flame he can't forget?"
Let's hope so.