Thursday, August 2, 2012

8/2 That Time Again!

At long last we return to Homocentric August!

Dear LW1: On one count, I say, good for you for not yielding to pressure to conform to anti-stereotypes. Doubtless you have heard tell for decades that heterosexuals are notoriously fickle, and that, if they were ever granted the right to marry which obviously all your lovers have been, they would destroy the institution of marriage by undermining the concept of marital fidelity. Heterosexuals are entitled to the benefits of matrimony no matter how promiscuous, or, if one prefers, sexually open they are.

This stereotype is similar to the notion that all heterosexual women can't kill spiders and only like to watch Sex and the City or Real Housewives instead of some nice dykish sport. But there is one important difference. That stereotype is dissimilar to the one about heterosexuals changing partners every three minutes and having babies whose paternity must be determined by Maury Povich or Jerry Springer in that you, LW1, are playing with other people's hearts, whether they know it or not. You might be entirely magnanimous, but, for all you know, the fact remains that it is quite possible that you could cause serious harm to one of these other women just due to your own whim of the moment should it so strike you. This does not mean that you should drop your wicked ways and conform to the image of Shiny Happy Breeders that the political leaders want to put before the public thinking only that if we like you will the road to your getting your just rights be eased. But it does mean to be diligent about what you're doing before you start yo enjoy it too much for the wrong reasons.

Dear LW2: My, aren't the heteros coming out of the woodworks? But this problem fortunately has nothing to do with sexual orientation, although it might be true in some parts of the country that acceptance comes more easily for people who present themselves to best advantage. The Prudecutor, who thinks of nothing but Korporate Amerika, wants to homogenize your fiance's speech, not because it irritates you, but because how dare any good little Corporate Drone show any sign of individualism? Bad Prudecutor! But he already stands out as a breeder. The idea of both of you improving your speech is the new "let's both eat healtheir and exercise more" - condescending. You could offer to cure the fault he finds to be your equivalent - far more useful.

Now there is the stereotype that heterosexuals go to extreme lengths to hang on to their youth. Who can blame them, really? After all, it is when they are generally most fertile (as long as they are not trying to appeal to the paedophiles), and that is one of the greatest reasons advanced for people choosing the heterosexual lifestyle. In your fiance's case, he speaks like a permanent teenager instead of wearing inappropriate clothing.

I shall point out only one advantage. At least he is not spending six hours a day in the gym (and when breeders go to the gym, I am told that they actually work out the whole time, as there are no distractions unless they are co-educational) maintaining a youthful body. Think about it. But I suspect that the main thing is that you simply don't love him because of his speech. If you can't embrace his faults and find them charming, then dump yourself already.

Dear LW3: I am sorry for your addiction and hope that you have been able to get your life on track. Congratulations for setting a good example for your children. And what you ask is not unreasonable to a certain extent. Your husband's relations (and the one thing the Prudecutor got right is that H3 does seem to be waffling a bit) can reasonably be asked to understand that you were an addict and that you have made a considerable recovery.

But that is all. You can reasonably request understanding. You cannot demand forgiveness. Now, if your conduct was exemplary in the years prior to your fall, this would seem to be a point in your favour. But it could be chickens coming home to roost. There is an excellent chance that your husband's family contains one or more heterosexuals - as you can see from the other letter, they are everywhere, in even the best of families. Have you ever been even the tiniest bit heterophobic, judging those members of his family whose lifestyles didn't suit you? If so, chances are that they were just waiting for you to fall from your own state of grace. It also sounds as if you have not made truly repentant reparations for your thefts. Attend please first to that before making demands.

Dear LW4: This is a technical question. The library needs to be warned to check their stock. As for your naughty thoughts about your colleague and her student, let them lie.

We shall leave the reader to settle on a moral of his or her choice.

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