Thursday, April 28, 2011

4/28 - August in Advance

As nothing in particular seems to be happening as the world waits for A Certain Heteronormative Event to occur in the very near future, it seemed like a good time to practise for August.

Quick Thoughts:

L1:  Although LW1 mentions hotel authorities on the honeymoon, LW1 herself making arrangements with and notifying hotel staff proactively might only solve part of the problem.  There are, after all, other authorities.  The Prudecutor nearly pulls off a sensible approach to the situation, and then, of course, cannot resist the opportunity to spoil what might have been a good grade by assuming that some of the reactions C1 encounters are sufficiently comical to be a source of humour, and, much worse, telling LW1, "Stop dwelling on the racial aspect of this."  Not that they might want to stop, but just, outright, stop.  From someone who does not acknowledge, let alone examine, her own privilege, not good.  As for LW1, does she use her Quinn Morgendorffer voice or her Helen Morgendorffer voice?  Does she even have a Helen voice?  given that the same actress provided the voices of not only both Quinn and Helen but also Jane, LW1 might be able to do something constructive there.

L2:  Well, gee, here LW2 is in one of those situations that can accommodate as broad a social lie as she's comfortable telling.  It's a little like one of those golf shots near the green that can be played with a putter, a wedge, a short iron, a mid iron, or even a fairway wood.  How creative is LW2?  Can she play one of those Phil Mickelson flop shots with a full swing that goes about 30 feet?  (And what would be the equivalent of that in a donor situation?)  The basic play would be something on the theme of being out of touch for a period in the immediate future - accessorize as desired and go from there afterwards.

L4:  LW4 is hilarious.  It is not enough that the incident in question has borne out how my philosophy that any breakup is a good breakup can apply to friendships as well.  LW4 cannot just let go of F4 with however mucyh regret that might cause her to feel and hope for better luck in her next choice.  She wants to have and win an argument about why what XF4 did to her was so much worse than anything XF4 may think she did.  Priceless.  Just priceless.

Now to L3, which shall receive an answer that is a practice run of sorts for Homocentric August.

Dear LW3:  Before I address your difficulty, I'd like to begin by congratulating you for coming out of the closet.  I realize that it is no longer shocking for someone to be an admitted - oh, sorry, I mean an open - heterosexual these days, but it still might have caused you considerable anguish, wondering if it might cost you the love of friends and/or family, if you might be bullied for it, or if it might even restrict your opportunities in your choice of career, housing, etc.

However, dear LW3, you seem to have run into one of the Hard Realities of Life.  It is all very nice and liberating to come out of the closet and be open about your heterosexuality, but there are still, however sad it may be, certain societal difficulties about the heterosexual lifestyle.  Now I hope that, just because I use the word "lifestyle" you won't get all huffy and think that I meant to imply that you chose to be straight.  After all, as so many confir... open... heterosexuals themselves are the first to say, who on earth would ever choose to be straight?  Nobody I know, certainly.  And even if it were a choice, so what?  I don't have to agree with every choice somebody makes to agree with his right to make the choice as he sees fit.  I do know, however, that certain misguided anti-heterosexual personalities keep harping upon your "lifestyle" as a code word, a practice with which I entirely disagree, and most strongly.

But now we come to one of those practices of the heterosexual community that just makes no sense to normal - oops, sorry, to same-sex couples, that of acting in particular and ordained Gender Roles.  Why, what if some people tried to divide all of us into Tops and Bottoms just because there are a few of us who like to play that game, and then told Tops that they couldn't like to go to the Opera or Bottoms that they couldn't play football?  It appears to be one of the quaint customs of opposite-sex couples that the Man is supposed to Pay For Dates.  Well, have no fear; if one of those scandalous television programmes tries to get me to go on and discuss the bizarre mating rituals of opposite-sex couples, I shan't give away your unusual secret.

It seems you want to assimilate and be just like natural - sorry, ordinary - couples by splitting the check on dates.  Well, good for you!  I can assure you in all honesty that I have never voted against your right to marry.

It appears that you have been unable to keep up one tradition of same-sex couples - see, I'm getting the hang of it and using language more carefully.  We do traditionally get serious, as you so quaintly put it, before we start dating.  Dating is usually for people who enjoy getting serious enough to consider a relationship afterwards.  But there has been some unusual progress made on that front.  I have some interesting news.  Contrary to what you might have been led to believe, because most people who might have tried to dissuade you in all good faith from your openly straight life would naturally have presented an idealized view, not all same-sex couples get serious before dating.  And, believe it or not, we have stopped shaming people for it, for the most part.  That just goes to show that sometimes we can even learn from you!

If you want to be more like mainstream society, you might make a plus of it.  Date women who think the same way.  Perhaps even find them by joining organizations of which they are likely to be members.  I am sure that, the more women break down the silly custom of playing up to particular gender roles, the closer we all are to full marital equality, which will perhaps even strengthen same-sex marriage, for all the voices crying out that you are trying to destroy Society and the Family and All that Makes This Country great.

Sadly, though, I cannot help you with your last problem.  You know, leaving a nasty taste.  You might have luck if you change your diet a bit.  But in general, this is the sort of thing for which men naturally are likely to have a taste and which women aren't.  Maybe if you date women who are thoroughly and totally honest and up front about being 100% heterosexual, she will have overcome the natural feminine disliking of the strange (for her) taste.  You know the kind of woman I mean - the one one always hears dring Straight Pride Parades calling out, "We're straight!  We're late!  Too late to go shopping!"

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