Thursday, March 8, 2012

3/8 - In Other Words

Being a bit put out still by Monday, this may be even faster than last week's.

Q2: How do I control and manipulate my boyfriend without being controlling and manipulative?

A2: Even Soapy Sam Ballard wouldn't need to be in top form to handle this one.

Q3: How do I get over my problem past without letting go of it?

A3: With a mashie-niblick (borrowed from Uncle Tom).

Q4: How do I balance my social gaffe against my friends' taking up residence in Denial, MS?

A4: With new friends, more carefully selected than Phyllida Erskine Brown chose her husband.

Q1: How do I cope with my posionous mother-in-law and my skeptical husband?

A1: For one thing, be thankful she's rather inefficient. This almost reminds me of the inadequate poisoning of the Crackenthorpes in 4:50 from Paddington. Only, in their case, the main goal of the poisoner was to keep old Luther Crackenthorpe alive long enough to dispose of some of his children before the capital on the interest of which Luther was living would be divided up among the survivors after Luther's death.

Next, pit them against each other. Convince MIL1 that desperate measures need to be taken and that the dose of poison needs to be a fatal one on the next opportunity (perhaps by telling her that you and H1 are moving to Australia and she'll never see him again). Then create a diversion (perhaps following the example of Death in the Clouds using the presence of a wasp, or maybe the VHS game version of Clue) and go the Prudecutor one better by swapping food without anyone seeing. H1 will die, and MIL1 will know you know her guilt.

Top it off with a touch from Titus Andronicus. Have H1 cremated. Then mix a bit of ash into something baked for a family reception, and see how MIL1 enjoys it.

Moral:  "One, I believe, is an Hugarian wine."

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